Once upon a time I found out I was falling into the Milky Way. At least that’s what the lavishly illustrated astronomy books from the library said was happening. I saw a band of luminescent gray in the night sky, the stars sprinkled about tending to favor the regions near the band. If there are beings out there in the galaxy, they do not know I exist. The light has had insufficient time to get from me to them. By the time it becomes possible that they might know, the fossil remains of the United States will be safely ensconced in rock, the sun a bit older and a bit hotter than it is today. A curious thing about human perception of time, besides limitations on how much of it can be experienced by one person, is the steady compression of its intervals as reminiscence works back from the present.
Philosopher George Santayana said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Yet self-examination is difficult because we cannot see ourselves through anyone else’s eyes. Our minds are simultaneously windows upon the world and secure prisons we will never leave. Empathy allows us to imagine what someone else might be thinking and how this other person probably views us, but we cannot forget that empathy itself is a process going on in our own mind, not the other person’s. And the fall into the Milky Way, something not obvious without observation through senses augmented by sophisticated optical instruments, shows us that the everyday perspective confronting us when we wake up in the morning has little to do with what is really going on in the world. Within these limitations of sense and cognition I will attempt to describe myself.
The Story
The morning air was cool when I awoke at 4:5o today, turned on the fan, put my coffee mug of water in the microwave to heat, spooned grounds into a filter paper, and twisted. I made myself wait until the coffee was ready to drink before lighting my first cigarette. The peculiar method for preparing coffee follows from not owning a coffee maker: This is not because I can’t afford one, but because my “kitchen” counter lacks sufficient space to accommodate it easily; besides, it’s simple to swirl a filter paper bag of grounds about in the hot water. It usually takes me several cigarettes to get going each day. The third cup of coffee concludes the day’s first ritual. One thing different about today was a textbook with my coffee. Schooling makes me feel like a kid again. All these chicks, like, less than half my age and I’m not eligible to speak to them, but again, I haven’t tried. Maybe I should. The real bonus was that Junior had called from Kauai yesterday evening.
Modification of my integument is the second ritual. This takes place in the shower, which in the weird hotel where I live, is not in my room, but down the hall. No one is in the bathroom at 6:46 though steam in the air says that someone is already off to Labor Ready to see if he (probably, as only half dozen she’s live here) can get a ticket, or at least bum a cigarette if there is no work. At least the heat and hot water always work. Actually they work pretty damn good. This can be considered a privilege in neighborhood settings where not all the rentals have heat and hot water.
Everything had evolved in curious parallel. The eastbound Dog had stopped in family hometowns in Denver and Kansas City, but I had not contacted either of my parents, who did not know I was heading for Florida until I had been there a month. There had been pangs of guilt at these two stops; I knew what I was doing was wrong, but the compulsion to take the trip would not be denied.
Drinking under the ficus tree for three weeks near the Airport Greyhound station in Miami. Purchasing the Steel 211’s at the Top Stop on LeJeune Road, sneaking into their bathroom, then back to the ficus. The ground was covered with its deciduous products; the tree was green in winter but shed a few leaves every day. Yellow bell-shapes reared their heads in the grass beyond the carpet of ficus leaves. The Miami Herald carried a story about the village of mostly black folks living on Miami Avenue beneath the Dolphin Expressway, with editorial commentary by Leonard Pitts.
The Rain, dripping from the ficus to filter into limestone gravel. The night beneath the viaduct into the airport terminal. The scary walk into the downtown. The Thanksgiving 2002 meal put on by the Rescue Mission there, on long tables set in the street, which had been cordoned off. The wall of the building next door to the mission bore a garish mural in rap themes with fast cars, boomboxes, heads in profile. The art was really good, almost professional, and no spray-painted tags adorned it. I suppose anyone who dared would die.
We guests waited for our showers on makeshift furniture on what passed for a lawn. Multiple voices in anger, hope, or despair drilled the difficult life of this lawn on that day. Night, whistles, voices, a clack of wheels on concrete highway joins overhead. The Milky Way was there, sight unseen in an arc-sodium colored sky, until the sun rose in a later eon. The first, uncertain approach to the glass booth electrically controlling entry at the Salvation Army had been successful, and I stayed there all the way through.
Miss Betty in the sorting room, and the rest of Miami, treated me much better than I actually deserved. The place was between Wynwood and Overtown; many Black folks went there for help. They sort of took me under wing, noting I wasn’t quite cunning enough to keep safe in the neighborhood. Nothing bad happened anyhow, leading me to believe city danger, while real, is relatively low provided one minds his own business, doesn’t run with a gang, and doesn’t look too flashy. The Salvation Army’s patronage and funding are much stronger in Florida than out west, a significant fact as each of their operating organs, including the Adult Rehabilitation Centers, is expected to pay its own way. The Miami center did not charge admission or even require advance arrangements. However, beginning your second day there, you went to “work therapy” forty hours a week to earn your place. This was fair. It was clean and the food was pretty good for an institution relying in part on donated ingredients. That’s an understatement: The crew made it a luxury. On awards night dinner was sirloin steak with trimmings. I wish I could remember all the names, but dammit, most of my physical records are lost. The floors were waxed and I could do that since the Job Corps had taught me. Everyone dressed up in donated slacks, tie, and sport coat for chapel each Sunday. After two months I overcame fear and went downtown to the library and read a picture book about the World Trade Center planes.
Milt was the counselor there. He was about 70 years old with a soft, folksy voice and in your head you could see him puffing an old-fashioned pipe even though he didn’t smoke. His strategy aimed to persuade “good” residents, ones who fit in, did what they were supposed to, to stay on center. He was very skillful. In his sessions, few guessed. Everybody loved Milt. He persuaded me. Then he got sick and retired and died shortly afterward.
During the second year I was allowed to lead Bible study when Charles, one of the truck drivers, didn’t want to continue anymore. Probably this was since I spent much time diligently seeking mastery of this text, a task always yet remaining unfinished. The high point seems to have been the delegates’ trip to the Army’s convention because I soon found myself a bit disgruntled—it was obvious I was never going to establish an independent living situation in town and I hadn’t made payroll at the center, either. I talk too slowly even by local standards. Embarrassing, especially if you are an American, when you cannot do these things for yourself due to lack of money. Or was it the empty feeling inside, the feeling no one can describe with words, the compulsion to take the trip?
Abandoning my apartment in September 2001 was really a stupid thing to do. I flew to Kansas City to see my Mom on the day I did this. I didn’t tell her anything, but she saw my roll. The return flight was the Saturday before the planes were grounded. I hung around town like a steadily less-welcome ghost for more than a year, and continued washing dishes at my job. But then I left, since it was absolutely necessary to continue the fall.
Junior was there. He is short for a Samoan, but he’s from Hawaii anyway. They use garden hose and Rain Bird heads to water the lawns around the camp. A bridge fashioned from a railroad flatcar spans the river, allowing access to the guest camping spots on the far side. The men in camp live in a bunkhouse and there is a log cabin lodge decorated with stuffed elk heads and bear hides about fifty feet away. I step away from the Norway spruce behind the house and head toward the lodge since the residents meet promptly at 8:00 a.m. and I need an hour to brew coffee in the industrial urn they use. Actually I’d been up since 2:00 and had been out to gaze at the Milky Way and listen to the gentle rush of the water. Its level was steadily trending down and it was still too early in the year for the crickets to start whirring at night.
Junior opened the meeting. He told the rest of us guys that during the 17th century the Pacific chiefdom of Tonga, bent upon expansion, had unsuccessfully attempted the amphibious invasion of Samoa, igniting a war that continues at background level today on the streets of Honolulu and other American cities. Some of Junior’s kin had moved to the mainland. Junior was in a gang, participating in a theater of the Tonga-Samoan war, now financed by drug and firearms deals, but perceiving him in danger, his eldest brother had flown out to Hawaii and brought him back eastward, to here of all places. Hey, camp’s famous out of state lately.
If I cannot afford to die, then will they will wrap me in burlap, drop me into the trench, & dust with lime?
















































